earlier in a daydream

earlier in a daydream

centered in gravity
weighted,
sinking,
sat

waited
for sun,
warmth

shadows
... turning

every corner,
aligned
with the pull.

i don't want to loop this pull

i can't
tie this string

life and death, do not fear

life and death, do not fear

*old journal entry found from june 24, 2011


i think i understand what this world is made of and what it may have to offer ... half the time.

it's full of questions and answers, actions and reactions, meaning and meaninglessness.

in due time, it has the power to humble and set straight even the loudest of characters.  for when we are born, we set in motion our death ... and all the ounces in between, of this great weight, is in the living.  birth, living, death.

i just read somewhere, according to some grande studies, that most do not ponder this is their life, unless their life has come to a crossroads where they, indeed, intersect death in some form.  only then, do they gain back their memory of death.

i don't know if i'm an exception, or i'm morbid or something (well, i think not, for i know thyself), but i think of this natural process often.  i try to find meaning as to why i understand this cycle, most days, i think i know.  my conclusion is that we must not shy away from it, because in due time, well at anytime, it's confidently ours for the taking.  to pretend otherwise, i believe, is just foolish and, well, will leave too much shell shock if allowed to burst in all at one time.

my other conclusion is reason, logic, and understanding of natural order in this life, (we'll talk about empathy later).  everything has this order; and everything cycles.  i'm obsessed with change; it's many forms, it's meaning, the questions of why.  and it's been answered:  because.  because that's the way it is.  it works.  what's most fascinating is watching these changes and seeing (right away or a ways down the line) ... the ripple affect.  ever heard of the story that one butterfly's flap of wing can possibly cause great change all the way across the world.  just imagine!

can we control this change?  no.  what?  are we not supposed to let that little butterfly fly?  of course not, fly and run your course, we would advise.  same with us, fly and run your course.  trust in the process, do not fear it.  but i believe, in order not to fear it, we have to face it, accept it, understand it the best way we can.  to pretend it's not there is a grave mistake ... and, well, useless.

i think by the end of it, we will have to change in so many ways.  it's a process of embracing and then, letting go.  a life of learning this is awaiting you, whether you like it or not. a fact in my book.

so, in order to face this, accept this, understand this - we first may have to recognize why we may fear it.  i think a lot of things are tangled and tied into this fear ... but all these things will have to change, take on new form, and be embraced for what they are in order to face the fear ... without the fear.

it's tangled in meaning and purpose and assumptions.  we all live by these and are somewhat uniquely defined by the way we define and live by our own meanings, purpose, and assumptions.  i feel what gets in the way are very simple things, yet they act so profoundly as stumbling blocks in gaining this perspective and, then, we have to learn how to release it properly.  vanity, pride, selfishness, self and/or society induced importance.  these are serious and how you understand them can cause great affliction or great relief.  all of them interwoven precariously in our own perception of ourselves vs. the world.

so, with that said, let's clear something up, now pay attention, for this is very important:

we are all equal.  we are ALL on the same playing field.  always.  every last person that is alive, that came before you and will come after you ... all on the same playing field.  ALL = SAME.

this will shoot your vanity , pride, self importance down, for sure, and with great hope.  don't get me wrong, you are important and were created with a purpose ... but you are not THAT important.  and that's completely OKAY.

okay, yes, you are different and, yes, your life holds value ... but no more than the rest of us.  so, i'm sure some of you reading already get this ... and if so, let this be affirmation.  for the others, please take note and do not let this discourage, but encourage.

this is a very encouraging insight.  

now is the time to step outside of yourself and understand you are part of a whole. a PART.

simplify

simplify

reflection.  mirror images ... of people, places, things, and ideas.  we are reflections of everything else.

i love being alive and actually realizing how much i am alive.  life is for the living.  death is for the dying.  we recycle, along with everything else.  if all else recycles, changes form, goes back into another, why shall we not?  it is easy, but we make it so complicated.  WE complicate it.  we label such things and everything else based on reflections of what we think we've seen and/or know.  what if we don't know?

or, what if we knew, but because it was way too simple, too regular (as the same as the rest of living things) we have to elaborate.  we are vain as a whole, we love to be special, so indeed, we must give special labels, ideas, patterns to this simple truth.

SIMPLIFY, everything.

the inner journey

the inner journey

mesmerized by sultry and silky mirrors
i see
i see thee
peering at me
through the looking glass

hallowing to mention death
to understand the body
dies
that it will happen
it will.

a gift wrapped in wicked dreams
warnings and blessings of what is to come

to process it, one must let go of reasoning
let go of pride
and importance
and setting yourself apart,
as you were meant to die
like every other person.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


dying is a very extreme physiological event.

we have "frontal lobe preoccupation during the day" and the
"things we don't want to know, we know in our dreams"

dreams can be reality.

we can dream our way into what we want?

let me be blessed with beautiful and wonderful moments
when i awake
when i sleep

did you know that as for telepathy, animals are more prone to this.  we can pick up on this.  a special communication "from George", the horse, spoke to her in a dream.

getting signals from the real world that i can only process when i'm dreaming?
we over estimate our ability to control things, we dilute ourselves,
possessed by feelings.

we can only perceive 5 things by our brain, we have perimeters in the rational brain.

wakefulness is a hormone from our brain that occurs when you sleep, the perfect condition for learning.  search for truth in your dreams, because we have an electric brain that is constantly firing and storing things in order.

you are too busy taking it all in during the day, at night "busy business" happens and it all gets filed away and processed at night when its quiet.

you can change a dream ... if you want to, so "they" say.

connecting physical to the spirit world.  you can manifest, believe.  you cannot walk in the spirit world with fear, very important that you not be scared.

the time has come for you to be brave.

if you are fearful, then you are leaking your power.

you have to be brave for death.



** random poems and thoughts, inspired from a documentary about a lady that was sick and possibly facing death and a little about her journey.

so, this is how it happens.

so, this is how it happens.

inspired by this lady on a documentary ....


"so, this is how it happens, quick, painless"

"i imagine my next birthday, again and again and again"
will our mind save us for what is to come?
can i wish myself into the next year, the next decade?

death comes to us in our dreams
casting a white shadow

how is it death will visit you in dreams
before it takes you?
why?

like we've ordered a train ticket
and the conductor is sending us a
friendly reminder?

don't forget about your trip
don't forget you are leaving
leaving, everything

this is depressing.
the reality of NO control
no scheduling
no tomorrow

and you finally understand,
life will go on
without you.

for good.

for good.

the after effects of the mind
death and rebirth?
or does dead really mean dead?
and generation is not to come for me,
for you?

we are open and we are closed
"i don't think you get any warning"
is a scary thought
especially since i believed
you would always be graced to know,
as if it mattered
to the all knowing

how are we to prepare
in the process
if we are not to know
what is to come
how we dare say we will know

preparing for the blackness
while we live in the light

the blackbirds fly, the sunset is gone
our eyes shut, our minds quiet, our hearts still
we say goodbye, for good.

i'd guess it was you

i'd guess it was you

if i had a guess,
i'd guess it was you
you being who
granted me a guess

if i had a guess,
i'd guess it was you
you being who
i searched for
til death

if i had a guess,
i'd guess it was you
you being who
always knew what you knew

if i had a guess,
i'd guess it was you
you being who
always behooved me to you

if i had a guess,
i'd guess it was you
you being who
let me know who is you

beginnings and endings

beginnings and endings

we fight an endless battle; the cycle in which nothing ends or begins.  the cycle when everything ends and everything begins.  the battle, the cycle, continues, for which, there is nothing to to win or lose.  yet we, as a whole, are bound and trifled by the attempt to understand and live by this winning and losing. but it does not exist, it is not there, it is not so.

once you figure this, you may see the pettiness of your ways.  i have.  you no longer hold tightly onto the things that once revved your engine.  but still ... you go.

where the heart and soul is

where the heart and soul is

you know, i realized a lot on my travels abroad.  i realized life is short ... and not as complicated as it sometimes comes across.  life holds no importance to beauty or vanity or money, none.  these things are not of importance.  nor where you are from or the language you speak, nor your accomplishments or what you strive to be in your career or what not.

to me, it's your perspective and attitude at any given moment, always.  this never stops, never will.  no matter who you are, where you are from, what language you speak, what you strive to be or your accomplishments or what you are going through ... you should always be checking your perspective and attitude and always respecting and trying to understand the footsteps of others ...

and where your heart and soul is, this is of the utmost importance, always.


* and remeber this quote, i think it is lovely and right on point:

in the quiet, i find myself

in the quiet, i find myself

in the quiet, i find myself breathe.
slow and purposefully,
the rhythm is found.
leaving what was
to what is, i push myself
to move forward.

thinking.

all these rhythms and tunes,
all the waves and islands,
all the times i find
life, moving forward
all the times i find
life, stopped.

in the quiet, i find myself praying.
to understand,
to know grace,
to constantly seek peace.

in the quiet, i find myself
respecting the blessings,
more importantly,
respecting the pruning.

things move on.
life moves on.
we move on.
i move on.

leaving what will be
in the future,
leaving it to be
on it's own.

in the quiet, i find myself praying
for peace in the present
and
knowing my place in the present.

slow and purposefully
the rhythm is finding
it's place within my life.
thank god.

today, i will live.

today, i will live.

In the morning ...

I try to figure out what is important ... overall in life or just for the day.  But, usually I'm thinking about both, amongst everything else that is firing off in my brain.

I think of important things, silly things, chores I need to get done.  I think of the present, but am still shaken sometimes by the past, and I definitely am always thinking of the future.  I would like to concentrate more on the present because the past has already been given it's time and glory and the future is another whole adventure on it's own.

If I don't let myself become consumed with the present, soon it will be over and already have a place in my past.  What does it mean to truly live life in the present?  How do we really concentrate on this and live life to the fullest daily, without sacrificing our dreams for the future?

It's one of things I've learned, that you have to plan, prepare, and work hard for your future ... to achieve what you want out of your life.  But, as I am busy making plans, life has it's own story for me.  Balancing these two is what is tricky.  Understanding where you are and where you want to be.

AND accepting things that you cannot control is priceless.

I always feel I'm several steps behind where I want to be, therefore, this is constantly throwing me into a never ending cycle of "getting caught up" in my life or getting my life "in order".  This is exhausting.  As soon as you reach the place you thought you wanted to be, it's never enough, because you have 20 more things you need to do to get "caught up on" and get things "in order".

Everything will never be "in order" like this.  There will ALWAYS be more; more things to do, more characteristics to work on and be, more adventures to seek after, more goals to set, more people to see, more chores to do, more bills to pay.  It does not stop, until it does.  But, hopefully, that's a long way off.

So, if I know there will always be more, more, more ... why do I stress myself out thinking I can never "catch up"?  Why can't I be extremely happy in my current position, in my current state?  Don't get my wrong, I usually am happy where I am BUT I'm always thinking I need to BE more, DO more.  I see the potential in myself and don't want to let myself down.

Even if no one else had faith in me, my life, my dreams, I have FAITH in it.  God has faith in me and I have faith in God.  I have faith in the journey.  I have faith that I am constantly being molded and matured and centered and becoming more and more at peace with life's journey.  THAT is important.

I woke up this morning doing the regular rambling of the mind, only to find myself questioning this.  It makes my heart beat fast and my mind race.  I smoke more cigarettes, I drink more coffee, I worry.  So, I sat quietly for a moment (that does wonders by the way) and thought about why I do what I do, especially in the mornings.  Then, I started questioning what is truly important.  What is truly important to focus our energy on?

Well, I concluded one answer for sure.  It is not WORRYING.  That gets me absolutely nowhere, except in a heart pumping, mind racing, jittery state that then paralyzes me.  Because by doing this, I have zapped all of my positive energy and given it over to the negativity, the what ifs, the past, the future.  And my point is to be thankful and present in the moment, TODAY.

THAT is what is important.

   
Another thing that was laid on my heart this morning, which ties in with everything above, is "inner peace". What exactly is "inner peace"?  Of course, we have a quick answer and think we understand what it is.  But I was asking myself to dig deeper on what exactly it is to me AND how I can live and breathe it constantly.

Maybe in a next post I will write more on this, but until then, try to find your peace amongst the chaos.

Check out my art here, Dawn Sanders-Myers