Boho Happiness: struggle

Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts

Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts

life changing

HOPE ( No. 1)

you look like
fire
and brim stone
your eyes
well up
like pools,
reflections
of some truth.

i see you
laying there,
tangled and pulled and bent and gnarled,
dripping and oozing
with life,
hope.

we think
you are
recognizing
voices,
faces.

hallelujah,
i say hallelujah!

WHOLE (No. 2)

chatter of emergencies
and wrecks and tests,
wind blowing my hair,
paper and cigarette butts,
change rattling,
humming ...
i hear,
gentle humming.

waiting.

w a i t i n g.

we're waiting,
but blessed.
blessed with hope.
blessed with heart.

in the middle,
we started.

praying, knowing
what we wished ...
that you'd wave,
blink an eye ...

move, please move.

wake up,
heal up,
come back to us,
WHOLE.

A PLAN? (No. 3)

metal chunked and twisted
fast cars and liquor
don't fix
anything.

leftovers on pavement,
we wished you would
have stayed!

lines, bubbles, machines
all pacing,
helping you, stay
with us.

it plays continuously
in my memory,
continuously burdening
my heart ...

to go back
and make you
stay.

but, i could not,
you could not
and you walked where you must
in god's plan.

because ...
god does have a plan,
for you.

THE MUSIC (No. 4)

music in your ears,
hear, do you hear me?

music in your heart,
feel, do you feel me?

music in your eyes,
see, do you see me?

i need you to wake up
and hear the music.

i need you to wake up
and feel my presence.

i need you to wake up
and see me
standing,
up, for you.

tell me
that you
know me,
knowing you,
knowing me.

tell me
the music hasn't stopped.

***the life changing poems are very dear to my heart. i wrote these within a week or so after july 31, 2011, but just getting around to sharing them. this day was life changing for many people, especially two of my dear friends. they were hit by a drunk driver and their lives, along with their families and friends, were forever changed. i will never forget that night or all the months that came after ... never. it has changed me. it is a miracle that they are both alive today, but the journey has been a long and challenging one and the journey is not over. i don't want to go into more details, but the ones that experienced this with us will know what it was like, what it is like. there was so much intense energy at the ER and ICU during that first week, as well as the many months after ... i just started writing a bit about the energy i felt from myself and others around me. we were all joined with similar energy and hope and constant prayer. these are for my friends and their families. i love you guys.

you never know, when in an instant, life as you know it will change, forever. take hold of the beauty and blessings today and don't take anyone or anything for granted. make your self this promise. i have.

the inner journey

mesmerized by sultry and silky mirrors
i see
i see thee
peering at me
through the looking glass

hallowing to mention death
to understand the body
dies
that it will happen
it will.

a gift wrapped in wicked dreams
warnings and blessings of what is to come

to process it, one must let go of reasoning
let go of pride
and importance
and setting yourself apart,
as you were meant to die
like every other person.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

dying is a very extreme physiological event.

we have "frontal lobe preoccupation during the day" and the
"things we don't want to know, we know in our dreams"

dreams can be reality.

we can dream our way into what we want?

let me be blessed with beautiful and wonderful moments
when i awake
when i sleep

did you know that as for telepathy, animals are more prone to this. we can pick up on this. a special communication "from George", the horse, spoke to her in a dream.

getting signals from the real world that i can only process when i'm dreaming?
we over estimate our ability to control things, we dilute ourselves,
possessed by feelings.

we can only perceive 5 things by our brain, we have perimeters in the rational brain.

wakefulness is a hormone from our brain that occurs when you sleep, the perfect condition for learning. search for truth in your dreams, because we have an electric brain that is constantly firing and storing things in order.

you are too busy taking it all in during the day, at night "busy business" happens and it all gets filed away and processed at night when its quiet.

you can change a dream ... if you want to, so "they" say.

connecting physical to the spirit world. you can manifest, believe. you cannot walk in the spirit world with fear, very important that you not be scared.

the time has come for you to be brave.

if you are fearful, then you are leaking your power.

you have to be brave for death.

** random poems and thoughts, inspired from a documentary about a lady that was sick and possibly facing death and a little about her journey.

so, this is how it happens.

inspired by this lady on a documentary ....

"so, this is how it happens, quick, painless"

"i imagine my next birthday, again and again and again"
will our mind save us for what is to come?
can i wish myself into the next year, the next decade?

death comes to us in our dreams
casting a white shadow

how is it death will visit you in dreams
before it takes you?
why?

like we've ordered a train ticket
and the conductor is sending us a
friendly reminder?

don't forget about your trip
don't forget you are leaving
leaving, everything

this is depressing.
the reality of NO control
no scheduling
no tomorrow

and you finally understand,
life will go on
without you.

for good.

the after effects of the mind
death and rebirth?
or does dead really mean dead?
and generation is not to come for me,
for you?

we are open and we are closed
"i don't think you get any warning"
is a scary thought
especially since i believed
you would always be graced to know,
as if it mattered
to the all knowing

how are we to prepare
in the process
if we are not to know
what is to come
how we dare say we will know

preparing for the blackness
while we live in the light

the blackbirds fly, the sunset is gone
our eyes shut, our minds quiet, our hearts still
we say goodbye, for good.

beginnings and endings

we fight an endless battle; the cycle in which nothing ends or begins. the cycle when everything ends and everything begins. the battle, the cycle, continues, for which, there is nothing to to win or lose. yet we, as a whole, are bound and trifled by the attempt to understand and live by this winning and losing. but it does not exist, it is not there, it is not so.

once you figure this, you may see the pettiness of your ways. i have. you no longer hold tightly onto the things that once revved your engine. but still ... you go.

today, i will live.

In the morning ...

I try to figure out what is important ... overall in life or just for the day. But, usually I'm thinking about both, amongst everything else that is firing off in my brain.

I think of important things, silly things, chores I need to get done. I think of the present, but am still shaken sometimes by the past, and I definitely am always thinking of the future. I would like to concentrate more on the present because the past has already been given it's time and glory and the future is another whole adventure on it's own.

If I don't let myself become consumed with the present, soon it will be over and already have a place in my past. What does it mean to truly live life in the present? How do we really concentrate on this and live life to the fullest daily, without sacrificing our dreams for the future?

It's one of things I've learned, that you have to plan, prepare, and work hard for your future ... to achieve what you want out of your life. But, as I am busy making plans, life has it's own story for me. Balancing these two is what is tricky. Understanding where you are and where you want to be.

AND accepting things that you cannot control is priceless.

I always feel I'm several steps behind where I want to be, therefore, this is constantly throwing me into a never ending cycle of "getting caught up" in my life or getting my life "in order". This is exhausting. As soon as you reach the place you thought you wanted to be, it's never enough, because you have 20 more things you need to do to get "caught up on" and get things "in order".

Everything will never be "in order" like this. There will ALWAYS be more; more things to do, more characteristics to work on and be, more adventures to seek after, more goals to set, more people to see, more chores to do, more bills to pay. It does not stop, until it does. But, hopefully, that's a long way off.

So, if I know there will always be more, more, more ... why do I stress myself out thinking I can never "catch up"? Why can't I be extremely happy in my current position, in my current state? Don't get my wrong, I usually am happy where I am BUT I'm always thinking I need to BE more, DO more. I see the potential in myself and don't want to let myself down.

Even if no one else had faith in me, my life, my dreams, I have FAITH in it. God has faith in me and I have faith in God. I have faith in the journey. I have faith that I am constantly being molded and matured and centered and becoming more and more at peace with life's journey. THAT is important.

I woke up this morning doing the regular rambling of the mind, only to find myself questioning this. It makes my heart beat fast and my mind race. I smoke more cigarettes, I drink more coffee, I worry. So, I sat quietly for a moment (that does wonders by the way) and thought about why I do what I do, especially in the mornings. Then, I started questioning what is truly important. What is truly important to focus our energy on?

Well, I concluded one answer for sure. It is not WORRYING. That gets me absolutely nowhere, except in a heart pumping, mind racing, jittery state that then paralyzes me. Because by doing this, I have zapped all of my positive energy and given it over to the negativity, the what ifs, the past, the future. And my point is to be thankful and present in the moment, TODAY.

THAT is what is important.

Another thing that was laid on my heart this morning, which ties in with everything above, is "inner peace". What exactly is "inner peace"? Of course, we have a quick answer and think we understand what it is. But I was asking myself to dig deeper on what exactly it is to me AND how I can live and breathe it constantly.

Maybe in a next post I will write more on this, but until then, try to find your peace amongst the chaos.

Check out my art here, Dawn Sanders-Myers

a little more.

sell yourself short of glory and harmony, thou shalt cut off thy tongue girl. be gracious in acceptance and loss, therefore i am with you and you shalt not remain in pain. pain is of the moment to pull the loins away from the meat. sinking down and feeling of fire and rage will tell you something you once knew, help you put a piece together. you'll have to do this one for yourself and go through alone. you can go alone. it will be okay.

then you will know ... a little more.

rumbling

the rumbling inside
my body
the urge to burst out
and run
sweltering and uneasy
i sit and wait
for the night fall
to come
i pour myself to fit
into the glass
slipper
steadily cleaning up
stitching in
what needs mending

i speak to feel
and paint to see
the heart lay in a
thousand pieces
piercing and stapling up
what lay out
on the table.

disease

like blood, boiled and pus filled,
it spreads and oozes,
continuously bursting, then
simmers down.
but it is out, like an infectious
disease that preys on a
new host, slowly and secretly
sucking the life out, one
tiny bite by one tiny bite.
no cure, only tolerance, only
acceptance with stitches or
bandages or rest. sometimes
you can forget, but it's
always there waiting to
boil back up, infect and
sicken. poor, weak prey.
ain't a damn thing you can do.

melt down

the importance of realizing
what's important
knowing when
to know,
knowing when not.

galvanized in glory,
on the throne i sit.
puddled up, sink, sinkin'
the melted pot.

i've been broken
melted down -
ready to come
out the other side.

tumors

for you,
i have dreamt, cried, ran
you have rot my flesh
and built my bones
cursing the vanity
that plays out so well.

her

she is of blood and honest face
for the sins she cannot taste
life with no reality in the hole she creeps
in bed, at night, she lies and weeps
save her soul and save her mind
understanding and morals she longs to find
why won't she help, why won't she try
why can't i have back
the old blood of mine.

memory of a trip

drip drop
tick tock
when will the madness stop
all the days pass by so fast
stop the yelling and make it last.
the sun goes up, the sun goes down
let's take a trip to another town.
forget your worries, forget your fears
smile again and i'll wipe your tears.
go to sleep and wake the next day,
come on children, outside to play.
just take a deep breath and close your eyes
don't let your anger break family ties.
today is almost over and
tomorrow will be brighter,
just remember all the good times,
and your burden will be lighter.
it'll be alright, it'll be okay
i'll be by your side whenever you say.
drip drop
tick tock ...
when will the madness stop.
all the days pass by so fast
so cherish life and make it your best.

no bluffing

temperamental and thoughtless
i lay my words out
on the table
forsaken by the meaning
that lay beneath my tongue
i try to bite it and
rise again to the surface
but ruthlessness serves me
up on a plate
its all laid out blindly
no folding or bluffing
the game goes on
and i
have no cards to show for it.

deliver me

deliver me from the journey of my own existence
for my eyes, they see the trouble
they see the roots underneath the earth.
deliver me to a road with less mountains
deliver me to cool water
let it wash away my face, clearly
pureness will surely be found.

say goodbye {a dedication}

time whispers of secrets,
the visions and
remembering of yesterday...

when thy heart was trampled upon,
eyes bleeding with pain.
memories to dark
to remember
the coming of light.
faded images still pierce
the motion
of those days,
footsteps trace of torture,
sleep with you at night.

let them all look away
say goodbye
to days passed,
all moments felt,
every cheek slapped.
at once, let go and grab freedom
by the wings.
let wind, let grace
carry you,
let beauty rise within.

broken wings have been
restored,
have rested
and waited all along...
to say goodbye,
to pains of past
and finally,
fly and use those wings.

consequence and forgiveness

fascism flakes like a dry scalp.

wilts and weeds up, overgrown grass.

the rats hide in that fair grass, deceiving - hiding.

bind the earth to the foliage, creatures among ponder, prowl.

unsafe, unclean - they hide in the dark.

they sink, he sat, you save.

sweltering, the pain drips like sweat in the summer sun.

mercy has left, glory no more. swept underneath the rug no more.

to light,

it is to light, what you have done.

bars, barriers, soul no more.

taken, you have been stripped. it was taken.

unruly, wreckless you were.

lightness, darkness - it is in the light you want to sit.

an angel on the shoulder...whispers of God's glory.

reminding how every single step counts,

it all matters.

redemption, redeem me.

the light that guides, the hand i hold.

strong, patient, loving.

forgiveness.

deliver to light. wash and bath, cleanse the dirt.

the running waters

death is a river,

running

water,

constantly moving through.

we err on the side

of darkness,

when in fact, it is the light.

we will cross over, go into

a rambling waterfall.

we have to.

the experience of such,

i have had not

and though i may talk

to no one who has,

the waters of that river,

i ponder it deeply.

motivation

overloaded and under stimulated.
seeking and lazy.
found yet lost.
craving but full.
beautiful and ugly.
then and now.

wanting to be away
from here.
a new view.
a new perspective.
i want to hold on,
i want to let go.

to be satisfied.
to know where to look.
to be open.
the possibilities.
to have a clean
heart.
to seek, to search, to find.

motivation.

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